The lord of the tub
by TurboFerret
Summary: Will Integra EVER leave Alucards bathroom, will Alucard wear the shorts? Will Seras ever Buy the Gadget? Find out in the epilogue chapter of The Lord of the tub The last stand of the wax!
1. The fellowship of the sponge

This is a trilogy insert mad laughter got carried away by LOTR and other stuff, wait until I read the Vinny Pooh. :DDD

PS: sorry JRRTolkien and please dont sentence me to a death by Shelob.

* * *

The night was calm ant the Wild Geese were training outside along with Officer Victoria. Walter was in the kitchen preparing tea for Integral, when he heard a blast that sent kitchenware off the shelves. All of the staff had gathered whether at the windows or the front door to witness a giant crater lying instead of a former flowerbed. One of his newest toys was in action. 

To his dislike the hole was filling with water fast – one of the main pipes must have been struck, luckily the sewage wasn't damaged. The next several hours were spent in utter stress. The trouble crew had arrived and done all emergency work to stop the waterworks. This left the whole house without any water, which is all house but one room.

Integral was happy that her ancestors had run a personal pipe for their needs out of fear of poisoning through water. She wasn't that happy now. She was awoken from one of her rare full time sleeps and she had learnt that one of the pipes had been blasted to smithereens. Walter was a good gunsmith. With that she fell asleep just to be woken up again several hours later by a knock on the door.

- "Yes, what is it?"

- "Sir Integral, pardon me, but the soldiers have finished their training but there is no water in showers."

- "State your point Walter; you've just woken me up." She groaned, in fact she was always in a bad mood when woken up, now there were two times more reasons to be grumpy about.

- "The point is the soldiers require a shower."

- "Oh, ok, let them have it; is this really a reason to wake me up?"

- "Well, yes sir, since your bathroom seems to be the only one having running water in whole house." Integrals spirits fell, imagining all those soldiers marching through her quarters, she groaned again, thinking this early in the morning caused a headache. But although she was no idealist, she was a pedant under certain circumstances. The thought of dirty, discontent men made her shiver.

- "Fine Walter, they may use it but no more than 10 minutes each if they want to get through it till dawn."

Young Hellsing got up, threw the dressing-grown over her pajamas and marched off to her office, grumbling: "Might as well try to go sleep with mice." The queue was starting to form at her door.

Her office was a bit quieter so she tried to work. Then she mused how much hair would be stuck in the strainer and which shower gel should she purchase next.In fact, she ran out of it abnormally fast, both, she and Walter were concerned.

Later she also skimmed through her paperwork realizing that her mind had left her some hours ago. Integral hoped the reparation of pipes would estimate minimum time. At what seemed to be five in the morning, she returned to her quarters, now only two men waiting their turn – Captain Bernadette and Walter.

- "Yo, people, I'm gonna sleep, so don't get too noisy in there." This caught Seras, who was now emerging from Integras bathroom by surprise. Integral had never allowed herself to talk so offhand before.

- "Sir Integral are you allright?"

- "Yeah, sure, whatever."

Integral came to her bed and slumped into it, _rest, finally rest._

_

* * *

It seems that people are not the only beings tending to personal hygiene evil smirk I think that bathing has come over me lately. :D_


	2. two showers

Stupid name two showers, but I wanted to keep up with my parody style referring to "Two Towers" of JRRTolkien.

* * *

During her brief sleep she encountered the most terrifying dream ever, the whole London had ran out of water and wanted to use her bathroom, furthermore, there was Enrico Maxwell asking her to use the bathtub since due to the draught in Italy there was no water in Rome. Paladin Alexander Anderson had brought entire orphanage with him. And there was an annoying tune in the background, strangely only it sounded real. Somehow all the pictures faded but the tune remained. Integral woke up to discover that somebody was really humming in her bathroom.

Now it couldn't have been Walter, she had heard him leave an hour ago and he had been the last. Quietly she drew her gun, just in case, and blasted the bathroom door open.

- "Master!" Alucard was sitting in a foaming tub, scrubbing with her sponge, his pale knees emerging from bubbles. Integra also smelt lavender and lime bath oil she used to use in the mix with her shower gel and shampoo. The vampire noticed Integrals gaze.

- "Master, I beg your pardon, but you should knock before entering, and you're embarrassing me with your uncontrollable glare."

- "Why should I knock on my bathrooms door and why are you using it at 6 AM?"

- "Well apparently, master, you have missed the fact that the water pipes were blown up last night or you like spying on people when they bath. If it is the last one, I advice you to practice your hiding."

- "Alucard, I'm in no mood for your humor, now why are you here?"

- "Isn't it obvious master?" Vampire questioned gesturing to the bath.

- "When was the last time you ever used a bath?"

- "Well actually, if you must know, master, after every mission, blood and ghoul remains are a mess to get out hair, especially when they crust. Vampires are tidy creatures you know."

- "Fine, the last question then, why are you using my bathing utensils?"

- "Your sponge has a nice scent as for the shampoo and shower gel – I ran out of mine."

Integral opened her mouth to object, but soon closed it, shook her head giving up and exited the room saying: "Fine, you can stay as long as you don't hum." Integral closed the door and went for her bed once again when she heard whistling.

"Keep it down will you, I'm trying to sleep!" _What a pest_ she thought, _mental note, ask Walter to buy a new sponge, different color_.

* * *

I guess Bathing has something to do with me lately, geesh! 


	3. Return of the pipes

This is the finishing chapter of the trilogy callted - The Lord of the Tub! Enjoy!

Yours with humor, Morality

* * *

The following afternoon, Walter had woken Integra up with some good news for a change.

- „Sir Hellsing? I brought you some afternoon tea." A groan from underneath her sheets was all he got in return.

- "I am happy to announce that the pipes were fixed this morning." That had gotten her attention. The woman threw her covers off and actually beamed at the butler as if an extra set of silver bullets had arrived.

- "Walter, this is the best news ever!" Integra enthusiastically drank her tea while Walter explained all the issues and formalities.

The following rest of the day passed smoothly and Integra had gotten the feeling it was too good to be true. Due to her sleeping in, she had to work until 3 Am in the morning, but that didn't upset her either, after all her pest of a servant hasn't shown up to bother her, except for a moment, she summoned him for a mission. This was the day which she, Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing could call a good day. She left her office and headed for her private quarters to enjoy a bath, the bath of her own, which she now didn't have to share with anybody else, or did she?

Once in her room, she went to her bathroom and lit the candles around the loveliest scenting bath ever with bergamot oil, then she returned to her room and took the two biggest of her fluffy towels. She was really looking forward to that bath.

She was approaching the door of the scented room, when a tall crimson clad figure stood in her way, blocking the entrance. Apparently, his mission was a success; he was particularly covered in blood, gore, some entrails, ghoul remains and now was grinning his head off.

- " Alucard! What are you doing here?"

- "Like you would like to know." he leaned suggestively, Integra only frowned at his gesture.

- "What do you want, servant!"

- "This!" He snatched the towels from her arms and shut the door in her face. In two minutes realization hit her. She tried to open the door, but it didn't budge. _Damn that vampire and his sorcery._

- "Alucard, enough of these silly games, unlock the door!" She shouted on the other side of the door

-"Sorry, master, but I can't." The response sounded as if he was suppressing laughter.

- "As your master I demand you to open this door!" She bellowed on top of her lungs, _damn if he had occupied my so carefully prepared bath, he wouldn't live it till dusk._

- "No, master, it is for your own safety." Now he was snickering.

Soon it dawned on her, he had arrived from the mission and he WAS using her bath. Perhaps he didn't know the pipes were back in order. And, yes, he was right; a sight of a nude man dead or alive could be recognized as a threat.

- "I would like a word with you when you're finished!" She responded in a calmer voice.

- "As my master wishes." was the answer.

Forty minutes later, he emerged from her bathroom, smelling of bergamot and cloves, one of Integra's fluffy towels wrapped around his slim hips and another - around his head, Turkish style.(howls and whistles from fan girls) Barefooted and bare-chested, he approached Integra broadly, as if he was wearing his usual suit.

- "You wanted a word with me, master?

- "By sand hill, Alucard, get dressed!"

- "Master, remembering your vein, it was a pressing matter." _Well, I've seen lots of men dead; I could outlive one half naked. _She reasoned.

- "Fine, regarding the fact you couldn't have known, the water problem has been solved, I won't punish you." Vampire glanced curiously at her.

- "Master, I knew of it the very moment the pipe reparation started, I couldn't sleep due to the racket until they finished it this morning." _That explains the lack of his taunting during the day. _Integra noted

- "Then why were you using my bathroom then?"

- "I always do, I like it better then mine, apropos, you should change the shampoo, it stings like hell, imagine what it does to your hair." _So this is How I ran out of my shampoo so quickly. WHAT HES BEEN USING MY BATHROOM ALL THE TIME?_

_- "_Master, need I remind you, your thoughts match your shouts in loudnes?"

Next evening.

* * *

Alucard sat at his desk, yep, his master sure knew how to make his head hurt. Then he heard footsteps in his dungeon. Either one of the staff has gotten lost again, or it was his meal. However, when the door opened, it was neither. His eyes had gotten wide, it was . . .Integra, with towels hung on her shoulder and bathing equipment in her hands.

- "Have you come to keep me company, master?" she stomped across his chamber

- "No, I am using your bathroom." She announced grumpily. Alucard frowned; he was really looking forward to that. Integra was about to shut the door, when he said.

- "Why may I ask?"

- "Because mine is clogged with hair!"

- "My, master, have you been shaving lately?" Integra growled in frustration at vampires little joke and slammed the door behind her.

FIN

* * *

The moral of this little story is - dont clog your neighbours bathroom or he will come to bathe in yours. 


	4. The last stand of the Wax

You know, after trying to figure out the 10 minute joke about raspberry ice cream, I decided to continue, thanks for the feedback, I hope Youll enjoy this one as much, Long Live the wax!

Dementedly yours

Morality

Alucard heard the water splash from his bathroom and was annoyed, because, well it was his bathroom. He started musing over what women do there for such a long period. After the next half of hour he took his bathing things – a sponge - he was determined to find everything else in Sera's bathroom to which he was heading at the moment.

She had finished her bathing with the exquisite caramel scented cream gel she had purchased in the Body Shop. The next treat she bought was wax. Well it wasn't a treat exactly, but the vision of smooth legs made it all better. She prepared the strips and started heating the wax up.

- "Police girl!" Sounded through the living area.

- "Ignorant fledgling of mine, where are you?" Sung the voice.

- "MMASTER!" Seras screamed as he phased through the bathroom wall. She was happy she was wearing her bathrobe.

- "Oh." He frowned when saw her sitting on the rim of the tub." Are you finished yet?"

- " Master, un, no I am not and I am not about to finish for a while." the master vampire sighed.

- " Answer me only one question. What in the blazes are you female creatures doing here for such a long time? Conquering entire countries took me less time, than a single woman to bathe."

- " Well, master, it isn't that simple, women do it mostly for men, that is why you shouldn't get all fussy about the matter."

- " Yes I understand that much, Police Girl, but I asked What you were doing not Why you were doing it."

- " Well I was about to wax my legs."

- " Why would you need to do that? "

- " To get rid of all the annoying hairs that grow there."

- " I've always thought you women were masochists. "

- " Strange to hear it from someone who takes his time being pulped into non existence."

- " Well at least that is fun."

- " Well this is useful, besides it doesn't hurt that much, you should try it." Alucard lifted his trouser-leg to realize that perhaps he needed to wax his legs as well. Maybe than he could wear those shorts Walter gave him as the Halloween present.

- " Oh what ever, I still have nothing better to do until Master leaves."

- "Huh?"

- " Long story."

- " Ok the wax is warm enough, now we need to smear our legs with it."

- " Wait, I have to change!" Realization struck him, he couldn't risk his suit, the whole procedure looked quite messy. Soon he returned, wearing only Integras towel around his hips, AGAIN(she didn't know about that and would realize it later, when she finished bathing), his bare feat plopping on the bathroom floor. Seras sat on the rim of the bath, with strips already placed on her waxed legs.

- " What did I miss? You've wounded yourself already?"

- " No, em, Master, why are you wearing a towel?"

- " I can take it off if it is disturbing you." He stated simply and started undoing the knot on his hips.

- " NO, NO master it is quite decent, I was simply curious." The vampirette rubbed her forehead, no wonder Integra was the way she was after living more than a decade with him." Now when You've covered your legs with wax, you have to place these strips over the hot substance, before it hardens, that is essential."

- " Good, now when does the removing start?"

- " In a few seconds." _He doesn't suspect anything_, Seras thought with almost evil glee, finally a chance to revenge her countless embarrassments.

- " Good, master, now I will show you how it is done." She took the rim of the strip and yanked it all the way off his leg.

A look of astonishment adorned his face, within a second sounded

YYYYYYYOOOOOOOUUUUUUCCH!

Walter sighed somewhere in the attic they would certainly have to hire a couple of new housewives tomorrow.

- "Don't you ever do that again Police Girl!"

- " Good, master so you will remove all the remaining strips by yourself." He gulped

- " Yes, sure and I will gladly help you to get rid of some of yours." Then he tore the strip off of her leg

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

- " You know this is certainly more fun than being shot to pulp."

- " Oh yeah?"

OOOOUCH

- " No doubt." Now sounded Alucards menacing voice, rasp from screaming, behind the door Integra was passing at the moment. Water dripped off her, that blasted bastard had snatched her towel again. Somehow hearing his howls behind Sera's door, was . . pleasant, meaning he suffered, a lot. But still she wanted to stay and listen for a moment.

- " Master, are you doing IT so painfully on purpose?"

- " Well, what else did you expect? I thought you were used to doing it."

- " No, this is my first time to be honest."

- " I already thought so, did you bring any tissues or bandages?"

- " No but I certainly know I will never be do it with you again."

- " I'm hurt."

- " You know now women even buy machines for doing it."

- " That is disgusting, I mean, how could a machine do it?"

- " Well, they are quite effective, some even have the cooling effect and leave no marks, besides, no more smudges."

Integra decided she'd heard enough, what ever they were doing there, it was certainly not her business.

Next day

- "Master , you called?" Alucard appeared in his full glory, wearing checked shorts that clearly showed off his hairless calves. That earned a synchrony raise of eyebrows.

- " I think I know why you're not wearing skirts master." Berserk shooting sounded several hours later in the second floor. It was Integra.

- " You come closer than 10 feet with that wax in your hands and consider your head amputated, PERMANENTLY!"

Walter was watering their new flowerbed, which now replaced the old, demolished one and thought, he should ask some workmen to repair Integras office, oh he should also call the plumber . . . .and perhaps a psychiatrist for the previous one...

Moral - Dont wax other persons without their agreement or they might think wrong of you.  



End file.
